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White House Celebrates Bipartisan Victory as Democracy Enters Hospice Care
Officials Praise 'Reaching Across the Aisle' While Fundamental Rights Quietly Dissolve
In what administration officials are calling "a triumph of political civility," both parties reached agreement on a carefully watered-down compromise that satisfies absolutely no one while the fundamental structures of democratic governance continue their slow, well-documented collapse. "This is what the American people want," explained one senator who hasn't held a town hall in six years. Meanwhile, experts note that the carefully negotiated bill addresses none of the actual crises currently unfolding in real time.
Tech Billionaire Announces He's Finally Solved Society
Following extended psychedelic retreat in undisclosed location, CEO unveils revolutionary plan to fix civilization through app that nobody asked for. Employees quietly update résumés.
Supreme Court Discovers New Constitutional Right to Ignore Constitution
In landmark 6-3 decision, justices determine framers definitely intended for nine unelected officials to have final say on everything forever. Dissent goes unread.
We-Ho Drag Brunch Reportedly More Productive Than Entire Session of Congress
Local queens accomplished more policy discussion between mimosas than Senate managed in three months. Wigs remained perfectly intact throughout.
Brooklyn Gentrifier Discovers Concept of 'Community' After Five Years
Transplant finally learns names of neighbors he displaced, considers it "authentic urban experience." Rent still $4,200 for studio.
Congress Passes Comprehensive Bill to Address Problem From 2008
Lawmakers celebrate swift bipartisan action on issue that has since evolved into three separate crises. "Better late than never," insists senator up for reelection.
Study Confirms Americans Willing to Believe Literally Anything
Researchers discover public will accept any claim presented with authoritative tone, regardless of supporting evidence or basic logic. Findings immediately disputed.
Doha Summit Produces Statement That Says Absolutely Nothing
World leaders convene for three days, release 47-page document containing zero concrete commitments. Everyone calls it "productive dialogue."
Perhaps We Should Try Not Being Awful to Each Other
Revolutionary concept suggests treating other humans with basic dignity could solve many problems. Likelihood of widespread implementation: minimal.
I Refuse to Apologize for the Industries My Generation Destroyed
Yet another thinkpiece about how millennials are ruining everything previous generations held dear by simply existing and being unable to afford houses.
The Case for Pretending Everything Is Basically Fine
Why maintaining polite fiction of normalcy might be easier than confronting cascade of existential crises currently unfolding in real time.
Japan Politely Confused by America's Continued Existence
Nation watches American political theater with mix of horror and bewilderment. "How is this still happening?" asks entire population simultaneously.
Climate Scientists Release New Findings, Prepare for Them to Be Ignored
Researchers present decades of evidence on accelerating crisis with renewed urgency. Policymakers schedule meeting to discuss scheduling another meeting.
Nation's Middle-Aged Continue Unironic Use of Outdated Social Platform
Demographic refuses to abandon dying network, continues sharing minion memes with startling sincerity. Children issue collective statements of concern.