THE DAILY BRED
Felon Elected to Highest Office Does Something Blatantly Illegal
Opposition Suggests Their Constituents Live Till Midterms to Vote
In a stunning display of what experts are calling "the most predictable development in modern political history," the convicted felon currently occupying the nation's highest office has committed yet another brazenly illegal act. Legal scholars note this represents violation number forty-seven since inauguration, though they've stopped counting with any real hope of accountability. Meanwhile, Democratic leadership has issued a strongly worded statement suggesting voters simply "hang in there" until the next election cycle, assuming democracy survives that long and we're all still here to participate in it. "We're taking this very seriously," explained one senator who hasn't held a town hall in six years, before boarding a flight to a private island for what aides describe as "essential constituent services."
NYPD Piggie Playing Porn Games at 125th
Subway riders at 125th Street station report officer deeply engrossed in mobile gaming during morning commute, contradicting department's stated mission of "public safety." When questioned by straphangers about the lack of visible policing, officer claimed to be "investigating cybercrime trends." Multiple witnesses note device screen was definitely displaying Candy Crush. Or possibly something substantially worse. Department spokesperson reminds public that officers work very hard and deserve their downtime, even if that downtime occurs during active duty hours in a busy transit hub.
Local Man Who Collects Zippo Lighters Somehow Prime Suspect in Wildfire
Authorities arrest area resident whose entire personality was "really into flames" after suspicious blaze consumes hillside. Man's Instagram bio reading "fire is life 🔥🔥🔥" cited as evidence. Defense attorney argues extensive collection of fire-related merchandise is "just a vibe" and "not technically actionable." Jury deliberates whether having 47 flame-patterned shirts constitutes probable cause.
Federal Agents Describe Protest as "Mid," Declare Revolution "Not Giving"
Internal communications reveal officers surveilling demonstration characterized event as "lowkey boring" and "lacking energy." Despite president's claims of "war-torn hellscape," agents on ground report mostly chanting and one guy with a megaphone. "Siege conditions nonexistent, vibes extremely chill," reads classified memo. Administration insists photos of three people holding signs constitute existential threat to republic.
DOJ Announces New "Enemies List" Department, Hiring Now
Justice Department unveils newly formed Office of Grudge Management, tasked with investigating anyone who "looked at the president funny." Job posting seeks applicants with "flexible ethics" and "willingness to ignore Constitution." Benefits package includes front-row seats to democracy's collapse and complimentary conscience removal. Equal opportunity employer, must be comfortable with authoritarianism.
Supreme Court Majority Sympathetic to Argument That Losing Candidates Should Get to Sue About Losing
Justices signal openness to novel legal theory that politicians who lost elections should be able to challenge election laws retroactively. "This makes perfect sense if you don't think about it," notes chief justice. Case brought by candidate who claims voting rules were unfair specifically to him. Constitutional scholars wonder if anyone's actually read Constitution recently. Spoiler: they have not.
President Describes City as "Apocalyptic Warzone," Residents Confirm It's Actually Just Portland
Administration characterizes Pacific Northwest metropolis as "under siege by anarchist hordes," while locals report mostly normal Tuesday involving coffee, light drizzle, and one extremely polite protest. "Yeah, we're definitely not at war," confirms resident eating artisanal donut. Federal officials insist three people with signs constitute national emergency requiring military intervention.
Mail-In Ballots Ruled "Too Convenient," Court Suggests Returning to Trial by Combat
Judicial review questions whether making voting accessible undermines integrity of democracy. Several justices express concern that people might actually participate in elections if process too easy. Dissent argues maybe democracy should be, like, democratic. Majority opinion suggests citizens prove commitment through elaborate obstacle course instead.
Spiritually, You Are Simply a Crossdresser. Sorry.
Look, I'm not trying to be rude here, but we need to have a conversation about your aura. It's giving "borrowed my sister's clothes in middle school and never looked back." Your chakras are fundamentally misaligned, your energy is serving performance art realness, and honestly? It's working for you. The universe doesn't actually care about your gender presentation—it only cares that you're serving absolute looks while doing it. So keep the outfit, lose the guilt, and maybe invest in better shoes. Your spirit guides are living for this entire moment and frankly so am I.
I'm 25 and My Retirement Plan is Societal Collapse
Financial advisors keep asking about my "long-term goals" as if I'm supposed to pretend there's a long term. Sorry, but I've done the math and it turns out the planet will be uninhabitable before I'm eligible for Social Security—which won't exist anyway because we privatized it in 2027 after the second market crash. So yes, I'm spending $18 on oat milk lattes. What am I saving for, exactly? The water wars? My portfolio is canned goods and spite. This is called "being realistic" and it's the only financial literacy that matters anymore.
Stop Telling Me To Vote Harder
I've voted in every election since I turned eighteen. Local, state, federal, special, primary, runoff—you name it, I showed up. And somehow things keep getting demonstrably worse. At what point do we acknowledge that "just vote" is the political equivalent of telling a drowning person to swim harder? I'm not saying don't vote—I'm saying stop pretending it's a cure-all while the people we elect immediately forget every promise they made. Maybe, and I'm just spitballing here, the system itself is the problem. Wild concept, I know.